Friday, December 28, 2012

Am I enough?


I can’t be her. Frankly, I’m tired of living in her shadow. I’m tired of being jealous of her. I wanted to make you care for me like you care for her, but I’m so done trying. I will be myself; I will not be a second-rate her. I will not try to make you love me. 

Am I enough? I’ve always been seeking to answer this question. From my earliest teenage years, I compared myself to other girls and consequently struggled with jealousy. While other girls warbled away sweetly to great acclaim, I just about managed to croak out the high notes of the hymns in church. While other girls were tanned and sleek and beautiful, I struggled with flyaway hair and no sense of style. While other girls played with and cooed over little children, I looked at the children with fear, loathing, and dread. Even after the worst of my awkward teenage years were over, I struggled with feeling that I wasn’t pretty enough, wasn’t good enough, wasn’t talkative enough, wasn’t deep and philosophical enough, simply wasn’t lovable enough as I was.

Painfully aware of my inadequacies, I put up a façade as close to perfection as I could manage. I didn’t like to do anything I wasn’t good at. I tried to earn love, whether it was from my parents, from a guy, or from God. Even if I wasn’t as beautiful, good, or talented as other girls I knew, I hoped that someone could be persuaded to say, “You are enough.” Somehow, I never felt like I succeeded.

Finally, I gave up.

I am slowly coming to the place where I accept that for some people, I will never be enough. Finally, I admit that I’m really not perfect. I will never be as musical, as gorgeous, as witty as some people I know.

And that’s OK. (How freeing it is to say it!)

I am slowly coming to the place where I accept myself for who I am. I am realizing that I cannot earn love. I am realizing that God doesn’t compare me with anyone else.
He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs. (Zeph 3:17)
And it’s a funny thing: as I become more accepting of myself, I notice that I’m becoming more accepting of others, too.

Instead of wasting time on comparisons and jealousies, I remind myself that I have an irreplaceable role to play, that I can touch somebody in a way that nobody else can. And I hold an irreplaceable place in God’s heart.

So do you.

4 comments:

  1. Thanks so much for posting this, Lynette. I can so relate! I still struggle with the same feelings sometimes, but not nearly so much as I used to when I was a teen and pre-teen. It's only been during my college years that I've started to really accept who I am and who God made me to be, and that I can do things for Him that no one else can (so mind-boggling!!). Funny too, I've also found myself becoming more accepting of others! :) Just so you know, Lynette, I really do think you're a beautiful person. :) I really mean that. There's a special, feminine sweetness about you that I just love. :) Happy New Year with hugs! <3

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you so much, Rachel! I'm glad there's someone else who can relate ^.^ and your comments warmed my heart. Happy New Year <3

    ReplyDelete
  3. Lynny, your writing is so beautiful! And YOU are so un-replaceable! ;-) You have definitely touched my life in a way that no else could have- I hope you know that! Miss you bunches! *hugs* <3

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thank you Sarah! I miss you tooo! We need to catch up <3

    ReplyDelete