New blog site!

If you're wondering where I've been, well, life is busy, but I haven't completely abandoned writing! I'm actually trying out a new, more polished look for my blog. So for the foreseeable future, you can find me here at Beautiful Moments. 

You can read my latest piece there about what my relationship is teaching me -- three things I would tell my single self if I could go back in time.

Keep Going

Have you ever questioned why you set out on a certain journey? Have you ever been disheartened? What do you do in those moments?

For me, the transition to broadcasting has been a rough road at times. I'm finding my feet, and loving so much of what I do, but it's also hard.

Waking up at 3.30am is hard (plus the struggling social life that comes from being desperately tired by 8pm, even on weekends!). It's hard figuring out how to balance everything that is expected of me in this new role whilst also keeping healthy boundaries.

There are the general challenges associated with being part of a small start-up team trying to do an enormous job, and there are other challenges specific to our context. It can be quite demoralising.

What keeps you persevering past the obstacles in your path?

Moments like these keep me going.

"I think I was meant to find your radio station," the woman said softly. She stood with a nervous smile in the middle of our studio as we poured her a cup of tea.  Penelope had written to my co-host and I after we discussed self-love on our breakfast show, sharing her battle with feeling worthless and how the turning point came after she rediscovered God. We'd invited her to the studio to tell her story for broadcast.

And now, here she was. "God led me to you," Penelope said. "I was just twisting the dial in my car and stumbled across your station. I've been listening and loving it ever since." She paused. "I should tell you, though, I'm not Adventist. Is that OK?"

"Of course it's OK!" we reassured her. Inside, we were jubilant. OK?! This was exactly what we had been praying for! Our radio station is not supposed to be merely entertainment for those inside our church; it's supposed to be relevant and inspirational for people of other backgrounds.

I felt like Penny's appearance was a wink from God: "Yes, people are listening. They appreciate your content. I am using you, in spite of the times you get frustrated or overwhelmed."

Because God knows I've been frustrated and overwhelmed at times.

Yet, every time I question this path, every time I'm so tired I wonder how long I can last at this pace, every time I inwardly grind my teeth -- God reminds me that He put me here on purpose and this is where He wants me to be.

Because I still find joy in the middle of the craziness and the rough road of transition.

My heart lifts with hope every time a listener tells us how much they enjoy our show, or that they heard something they needed at just the right time, or that somehow they discovered Adventist Radio London and they keep coming back.

I feel reassured by unexpected affirmation through unexpected channels.

I am passionate about hearing people's stories of courage, faith, adventure, miracles, love, and struggle, whether we're interviewing recording artists or the girl next door. I delight in digging into deep and meaningful content and conversations. I am touched when tears are shed in our studio as our guests recount their hardest or most beautiful life experiences and moments with God.

Besides, God is challenging my perspective on success. Typically, Christians love to talk about the parables of the lost sheep or the lost coin -- how God goes out looking for that one estranged person He loves. We dwell on how Jesus would have sacrificed Himself for just one person.

Then, how do we often go and measure success? By numbers. Engagement, hits, likes, views, listeners, baptisms.

Instead, God has been asking me to value the one. Just like He does.

It's not all about numbers.

It's about that one person who was meant to hear me today, whether or not they let me know how it affected them. It's about that one person who was inspired by something we shared. It's about that one person who looks at God and faith a little differently because of the stories we pass on.

That's what keeps me going.

"With so much going for us, my dear, dear friends, stand your ground. And don't hold back. Throw yourselves into the work of the Master, confident that nothing you do for Him is a waste of time or effort." (1 Cor 15:58 The Message)

Plot Twist!

I needed a change. After seven years of teaching, on and off, I wasn't sure that I wanted to continue.

Perhaps it was a temporary dissatisfaction, and someday I would want to teach again with renewed passion. Perhaps it was just emotional fatigue from a hard, uncertain year. But right now, I didn't want to teach. Over several months, the feeling grew and grew that I simply had to find something else to do.

What did I actually love about teaching? Creativity, facilitating learning, and my students. I had to admit that I didn't really like anything else about teaching and its accompanying lifestyle. Perhaps I could find another job that would embrace the core things I loved, without actually being a teacher.

I began to pray, "God, what am I supposed to do? I need a break from the classroom. I want to do something more with my love for reading and writing and thinking, with creativity. But I feel it needs to look different from regular teaching."

One day, out of the blue, I was called for an informal chat with a couple of directors in an organization where I'd been doing some freelance proofreading work. "Have you ever thought about changing careers?" they asked me. "Would that be something you'd be willing to consider?"

That's interesting timing, I thought.

Five months later, I joined Adventist Radio London as a producer and presenter. (Watch this space as we begin to develop our content and bring it to air!) I just got back from a team training weekend with a BBC professional. I'm still testing out how "broadcaster" instead of "English teacher" feels on my tongue. I'm a little overwhelmed, but genuinely happy.

It's been an interesting emotional journey, transitioning to a new career. I actually felt guilty, for a while. I'd spent years studying English Education and then Applied Linguistics. Had I wasted all that time? Had I wasted people's investment in me? Wasted their money that went into scholarships and other support that had enabled me to get my degrees?

But one day I had an "aha" moment. Perhaps it sounds obvious, but it really clicked for me:

The foundational commitment of my life, as a Christian, is to God. Not to one career path. Not to one country. Not to one organization. To God. 

He has promised to guide me, and as I learn to listen to Him better, I simply follow where He leads. I don't have to feel unnecessary guilt. I don't need my every move to make sense to everyone else (or to me) at first. He loves me, He is leading me, He is working things out for my good, and I can rest in that. That is immensely freeing!

Besides, nothing is wasted with Him. All my past experience prepares me for my future, even if that future doesn't look quite like I'd imagined.

God is a God of abundance. He goes beyond what we ask or imagine. And I really do think He has a sense of humor! I wanted a job that could use and develop my creative skills, but I didn't expect it would look like radio. It kinda feels like God said, "You want creativity? Excellent! Sure! Here's creativity on the next level! You'll be swimming in it! I'm so excited you asked!"

I will be doing all the things I love. I will also be doing some things that are completely new to me. I can already see areas in which this job will stretch and grow me, both personally and professionally.

I do get moments when the new direction, with all its accompanying transition, is a little bit scary. When it feels like God has given me a little bit too much "abundance,"  perhaps. I know my team and I are facing a challenge.

But with God leading us, we will be OK.

Maybe one day I will go back to teaching, but right now I'm preparing to embrace broadcast journalism. And I'm happy. It's one more exciting plot twist in my story, and I know the Author of Life has a great ending in mind.

"God knows where and how to take you. The author of life tells beautiful stories."
Lyrics from the song "Autor da Vida" by Vocal Livre

God Can't Do That

It was one of those times when everything seems to go wrong at once. A dwindling bank balance, broken or strained relationships, and dissatisfaction at work, among other things, had left me wondering about my future and struggling with discouragement, stress, and anxiety.

I would try to muster up my soul by reminding myself of encouraging quotes. “We have nothing to fear for the future unless we forget God’s leading in our past,” I would whisper to myself, paraphrasing a quote by Ellen White. The trouble was, although I sometimes felt my hope rising, and I did remember episodes of God’s guidance in my life, I still often dipped into worry and pessimism about my future. 

What God Can’t Do

One morning, I was listening to the Psalms during my hair and make-up routine, zoning out a little from one of Asaph’s poetic renditions of the Exodus story. Suddenly, the words grabbed my attention and seared into my consciousness:

“God can’t give us food in the wilderness. Yes, he can strike a rock so water gushes out, but he can’t give his people bread and meat.” (From Psalm 78:19-20)

I’m like that. That’s how I think.  With a start, I realized that the doubts of the Israelites echoed my own anxieties. The Israelites certainly remembered God’s miraculous provision in their past, but now they were faced with a different scenario, and they didn’t believe he could deal with it.

How many times do we slip, almost unconsciously, into the same way of thinking? God indeed might have been able to do this, but he can’t do that.

“Yes, he can provide sponsors for my missionary trip, but he can’t give me the money for my bills this month.”

“Yes, he can help me study for this test, but he can’t lead me to the right job, especially in today’s market.”

“Yes, he can give me wisdom in my career move, but he can’t help my relationships.”

I listened as the Psalm went on to describe God’s frustration at the Israelites because they “did not believe God or trust him to take care of them,” and how, “despite his wonders, they refused to trust him.” (vv. 22 and 32)

“I don’t want to be like that,” I breathed to God. “Help me to trust you more!”

How I View God

What lies at the heart of my inclination to worry?

"You are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary."
(At Jesus Feet by Nathan Greene) 

I have realized that my anxieties tend to spring from a subconscious belief that I have to make things happen. That all my happiness and success and getting the best out of life is down to me.

Of course, it's not that I have no role to play at all. I have power to choose and to act. But why the attitude that "it's all on me; I'm in this alone?"

I was shocked when I first understood what a practically godless approach to life this attitude signified—or at least an approach that acknowledged God’s existence but assigned him a somewhat impotent or uncaring character. Did I really think of him as so small and so distant?

My view of God is the foundation for everything else in my life.

When I believe that I am entirely responsible for taking care of myself and making things happen, when I am living purely out of self-reliance and leaning on my own understanding (see Proverbs 3:5-6), it is a very hard thing to “be still, and know that [he] is God” (Psalm 46:10). It is hard to trust.

Yet, when I understand more fully the incredible depth of the love God has for me—and when I really believe he loves me that much—my heart responds more readily with trust.

In so many ways, our view of God and our view of life revolves around grasping this love, being “rooted and grounded” in it, as Paul describes in Ephesians 3:17. It changes everything. It is changing my typically-fearful reactions to the challenges of life.  

I resonate with a prayer John Eldredge shares in his book Walking with God: 

“Jesus, I ask that your love would heal that part of me that feels I must make it happen, that all things—especially my happiness—are up to me… And, Jesus, I repent of that part of me that needs to make things happen. I transfer my trust from my ability to make things happen to your love and goodness.” (pp. 103-104)

Yes, He Can

Not every problem I have wept or worried over has been fully solved yet. But God has been working with me patiently to show me just how creative he can be in addressing my issues. He reminds me constantly, in all kinds of little ways, of the committed, personal love he has for me. 

And every day I have the choice of whether I will trust him in a new area, or whether I will respond negatively like the Israelites in the Psalm.

Are you facing a situation in your  life where you just don't know how God is going to come through  for you this time? What are you thinking God can't do?

Trust him. He can do that, too.

And You Will Finally Know Me

Do you ever wish God would write His messages to you in flaming letters in the sky? Let you know His will through a booming, unmissable voice? Me too.

The same is true for our conversations with God.

This past year has been a journey for me in learning to listen to God. The good news is that He is speaking, and when He wants you to get something, He is persistent -- even if you don't see flaming letters or burning bushes. And you can learn how to hear Him better.

I've recently been soaking in the book "Discerning the Voice of God," and today I read a brilliant chapter on God's persistence in getting His message across and how He confirms His message in different ways.

"When God has a message for you, He is persistent... When God speaks to you by the Holy Spirit within and also confirms it by other means from without, then be on the lookout for His directions. If you notice a consistent message confirmed through the leading of the Holy Spirit, the Scripture, your circumstances, and other people, pay close attention. God is repeating Himself to make sure you get the message." (p. 78)

I put the book down as I sat curled up on the sofa, wrapped in my fluffy white blanket, lost in thought. This chapter confirmed so much of my experience with God. I took out my journal, and asked myself, "What have been the persistent, 'thematic,' corroborated messages over the past year?"

I could think of several. God had certainly spoken often. Thematically. Persistently. Through multiple avenues.

This journey of deeper friendship with Him had been sparked in January 2017, in the midst of a difficult season, when God had very clearly spoken to me from a text in Hosea.

One of His messages, oft-confirmed, had been about His desire for increased intimacy -- about His leading and speaking, which of course necessitated me learning to be still and listen. "I believe this journey is something He wants me to continue this year," I wrote in my journal.

Another message had been about hope and restoration. "That could tie into this year's possible theme of newness," I wrote. (The concept expressed in Isaiah 43:18-19 keeps coming up!)

It's tempting to think of restoration as simply God giving you back something you gave up or lost. But that's not necessarily the whole picture. "God goes one better than that," I continued to journal. "Restoration, whatever that means for a specific area of your life, is about... better than before. The way God had in mind from the beginning. Restoration is about healing. Beauty. Fulfillment. 'Restoring the years the locust has eaten' (Joel 2:25) and being in a better place for it."

I like to think of God's art of restoration being something like the Japanese art of kintsugi -- repairing something broken with gold to make it even more beautiful and precious.

True, the passage in Hosea talks about the things taken away being returned (pictured as vineyards in the text). It's easy to focus on the idea of the gifts and restoration that God has in store for the right time. But the heart of the passage is so much deeper than that.

The heart of the passage is all about the intimacy with God that is the surprising product of the wilderness experience.

As I wrote about last year, Hosea 2:16 talks about how we will come to call God our husband instead of our master. Whatever your gender, that is a picture of ever-increasing love and intimacy. I have certainly tasted that this year.

Today, after I finished the chapter in "Discerning the Voice of God," I went back to Hosea 2 and read a little further on. Although God's metaphorical language speaks as to a woman, again, the message is one of the ultimate, deepest, most permanent commitment, whatever your gender.

"I will make you my wife forever, showing you righteousness and justice, unfailing love and compassion. I will be faithful to you and make you mine, and you will finally know Me..." (vv19-20)

I could just hear the longing of God's heart in that. "And you will finally know Me."

That is the bigger purpose, the greater gift.

Maybe you've been in the wilderness. Maybe you're still in the middle of it, or maybe you're starting to walk through your "door of hope" (Hosea 2:15) and you're looking forward to what God will do and what He will restore.

But the return of the "vineyards," however nice that may be, is secondary to the gift of God Himself.

And He -- with all He is and all that means -- gives Himself to you... to me... forever. 💗