Wednesday, November 9, 2011

passion (or absence thereof)

I’ve been having some big issues with motivation lately – or rather, lack of motivation. I procrastinate on my papers, sweep over my Spanish, and tackle my other homework half-heartedly. I still get by well, although I am frankly uncomfortable giving less than my best. Except...I feel like I have little energy or inclination to give my best. 

I almost can’t see the forest for the trees. I seem to forget why I wanted a college education—and why I chose Southern—in the first place. It’s as if I’ve lost something of myself along the way; I’ve forgotten my dreams and what used to make me excited. I’m tempted to look at life with a tired and cynical eye.

And I hate that. I hate feeling like all the fire inside of me has died. I don’t know how to feel alive again, but I want to...

All is not lost yet, however. Over the last weekend, as I helped out with various aspects of Student Missions Emphasis week, and as I stumbled across some old writing I’d done for this blog (and never posted), something inside me stirred. Passion. It was far from consuming, but it was there, and that was all that mattered to me in the moment. I wasn’t completely dead inside after all!

There have been some rough spots again this week, for one reason or another, but on the whole I think things are slowly beginning to look up once more. I’m glad. Perhaps I’ll start dreaming again.

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