I can’t be her. Frankly, I’m tired of living in her shadow. I’m tired
of being jealous of her. I wanted to make you care for me like you care for
her, but I’m so done trying. I will be myself; I will not be a second-rate her.
I will not try to make you love me.
Am I enough? I’ve always been
seeking to answer this question. From my earliest teenage years, I compared
myself to other girls and consequently struggled with jealousy. While other
girls warbled away sweetly to great acclaim, I just about managed to croak out
the high notes of the hymns in church. While other girls were tanned and sleek
and beautiful, I struggled with flyaway hair and no sense of style. While other
girls played with and cooed over little children, I looked at the children with
fear, loathing, and dread. Even after the worst of my awkward teenage years
were over, I struggled with feeling that I wasn’t pretty enough, wasn’t good
enough, wasn’t talkative enough, wasn’t deep and philosophical enough, simply
wasn’t lovable enough as I was.
Painfully aware of my inadequacies,
I put up a façade as close to perfection as I could manage. I didn’t like to do
anything I wasn’t good at. I tried to earn love, whether it was from my
parents, from a guy, or from God. Even if I wasn’t as beautiful, good, or
talented as other girls I knew, I hoped that someone could be persuaded to say,
“You are enough.” Somehow, I never felt like I succeeded.
Finally, I gave up.
I am slowly coming to the place
where I accept that for some people, I will never be enough. Finally, I admit
that I’m really not perfect. I will never be as musical, as gorgeous, as witty
as some people I know.
And that’s OK. (How freeing it is
to say it!)
I am slowly coming to the place
where I accept myself for who I am. I am realizing that I cannot earn love. I
am realizing that God doesn’t compare me with anyone else.
He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs. (Zeph 3:17)
And it’s a funny thing: as I
become more accepting of myself, I notice that I’m becoming more accepting of
others, too.
Instead of wasting time on
comparisons and jealousies, I remind myself that I have an irreplaceable role
to play, that I can touch somebody in a way that nobody else can. And I hold an irreplaceable
place in God’s heart.
So do you.
