The Rat Race 2: The Courage of My Convictions

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." Ralph Waldo Emerson

Change demands courage. As I’ve been inwardly rebelling against the evils of the rat race (read some of my thoughts here and here), I’ve begun to realize that outwardly I haven’t done much about it. (That being said, this week I did give more time to people, and felt so much better for it. Yay!)

Actions speak louder than words.

I say that God is the most important thing in my life, but I don’t act like I believe “seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” (Matt 6:33)

I say that other people are more important than myself, but so much of my daily life is wrapped up in what I need to do, what I want to do with my limited free time, and how I need to act to promote my future success.

It’s not that completing tasks is wrong. It’s not that wanting excellent grades is foolish. It's not that seeking success is worthless. However, I need to analyze my heart as I pursue tasks and grades and “success.” What values are driving me?

Are selfishness and pride a bigger part of my motivation than I’d wish to admit?

(Talking of grades—I kid you not, I had a nightmare this week about a teacher giving me a C on a paper. In the dream, I argued and argued with her but she wouldn’t change the grade, so I got really mad. I woke up annoyed. Interpret that as you will!)

Perhaps it’s easy to give in to the rat race without analyzing the values that drive it—and us—because it’s an accepted, expected part of our culture. That’s just how you live life.

It doesn’t have to be that way, but it will take courage to change.

What values do you want to embrace? What values does God want you to embrace? Don’t let society force you to blindly accept all its values, whether those values are embodied in the rat race or in something else. Don’t let society squeeze you into a mold that doesn’t fit.

I’m challenging myself to look deep into my Bible and my heart and change my attitude and my lifestyle accordingly. I’m challenging you to do the same.

A busy lifestyle isn’t necessarily wrong. A 9-5 is not necessarily meaningless. But what are your heart values in pursuing the life that you have and embracing the standards of success that you hold?

How will you stand up against the rat race? What do you need the courage to change?

Maybe you need to spend more time with family and friends. Maybe you need to experience a period of missionary or volunteer service. Maybe you need to seek first the kingdom of God. Maybe all you need to change is your attitude toward your current situation.

I know I need to do at least three things on that list!

I don’t want to let society force me into a rat race for a “success” that I don’t really believe in. I want to have the courage of my convictions. I want to live out my true values.  

“If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.” Thoreau

“So how do you judge what a man is worth through what he builds or buys? You can never see with your eyes on earth. Look through heaven’s eyes. Look at your life through heaven’s eyes.” From the Prince of Egypt

The Rat Race 1: Relationships

Burying my head in my arms to muffle the sound of my crying, I crumpled into a pathetic ball on the bathroom floor. Meltdown. I don't have many of those, but this past week was sufficient to induce one. I had been sick all week, and increasingly stressed and frustrated with each passing day. (I'll spare you the tedious details of my workload this semester, but suffice it to say it feels like I didn't know what "busy" meant until this year.)

"I can't do it!" I sobbed. "I can't do everything that's demanded of me to the standard that they expect, the standard that I want. It's impossible. I'm exhausted. I'm sick. There's not enough time. I hate this."

My life is an endless cycle of do, do, do. Do now, do more, do better. No time. No time for deep devotions, because I am too tired and distracted. No time for meaningful social interaction, because I am too busy getting my assignments done. No time to explore. No time to just be. I have to accomplish important stuff.

I am part of one rat race, being trained to enter another. There is no finish line. And somehow, especially after weeks like this, I am overwhelmed with the feeling that my life is not all that it could be -- perhaps not all that it should be.

I can't help looking back to my pivotal experience in Laos. Life there was far from perfect, yet there were many things I learned to value. Sometimes I wonder whether part of the reason God sent me there was so that I could grasp priceless lessons I couldn't have learned by staying in the West.

I need to apply those lessons back here, to recreate those things I miss, but it's hard.

I am naturally a task-oriented, driven perfectionist. That's not altogether bad. However, and it feels so horrible to admit this, I tend to put tasks above people. Sometimes people turn into tasks. My stuff has to get done.

Laos showed me that relationships are more important than tasks. People always had time to talk to you (which sometimes frustrated me because I was trying to stick to my business, surprise surprise). People would always invite you to spend time with them, to eat with them.

People would shut down their businesses for days because of a family funeral; instead of working they would spend time with their guests, neighbors, and family. Living in this environment, I slowly began to mellow, to get used to the idea that building good relationships really was more important than checking off everything on my to-do list.
 

I was satisfied by deepening friendships and meaningful, honest conversation.  Relationships -- building them, sustaining them, fixing them -- began to take a higher priority. I felt supported, I felt loved, I felt challenged.

Now I have reverted to checking off my to-do list. Back here, I don't know how to live like other people are more important than my tasks. I hate that, and I want to fight it, but this rat race seems so perfectly designed to focus my attention on myself and what needs to get done because my grades and my future and my reputation is riding on all.that.stuff.

So too often I sacrifice the chance to grow meaningful relationships on the altar of my daily planner to the great, insatiable god Time.

That's not the way life should be.

Fear

“You’re not prone to fainting, are you?” the optician asked me as we sat in her tiny office, preparing to initiate me into the fellowship of contact lens wearers. 

“That’s encouraging!” I laughed nervously. “Not as far as I know. Why?”

“I’ve had two people faint on me when I was trying to put in their contacts —one girl, who did admit she was a fainter, and then one hulking six-foot-tall macho man. I know first aid though, if you do happen to start feeling woozy!”

Thankfully, her getting the lenses into my eyes was no great ordeal. Getting them in and out by myself, however, was another matter. How could something so small cause such sinking feelings of dread, such trembling of the hands, such sweating of the brow, such pounding of the heart?

Forty-five slightly traumatic minutes later and I was victorious. I had conquered my fear and was a successful contact-lens wearer.

My introduction to contact lenses wasn’t my only confrontation with fear this summer.

I was afraid of not being able to make enough money. Because of the World Cup, we’ve had fewer Brazilian students coming to summer school, and consequently I’ve had two months of no work. This wasn’t exactly the best news for a financially challenged university student!

I was afraid of making a choice that would leave me vulnerable -- of being honest and open as I knew I needed to be. Making that choice and conquering that fear was one of the most difficult yet gloriously freeing experiences I’ve had.

I was afraid, when I went back to work at the end of July, of being officially inspected the first time I invigilated a proper exam. As the inspector sat eagle-eyed in the back of the classroom, I walked around coolly, hoping I looked less amateur than I felt and mentally running through my checklist of invigilator duties.  “Oh, dear God, what if I’ve forgotten something? What if I make the school lose its exam center status?!” Of course, it would happen that while the inspector was still in the room, someone nearby started playing Miley Cyrus “Wrecking Ball” loudly enough for the world to hear.

The biggest fear that I face, though, is still unresolved. I’m entering my final year of university. I’m turning twenty-four. I should have my life together. People keep asking me, “So what are you going to do after you graduate? Are you staying in America? Are you coming home?”

I don’t know. I don’t know. I hate saying that. I don’t know. What am I going to do? I feel the pressure of having to make up my mind, especially as an international student who has to worry about visa issues. But I don’t know.

One night I literally jolted awake in a sudden panic at the thought of how quickly time was passing and yet how blank my future looked. How bleak my future looked, even, to my current darkened state of mind. And then I felt God speaking to me so strongly that I felt compelled to write it down in my journal.

“I have not called you to freak out about the future, to worry about life after graduation or your relationships or your money. Your freaking out will not alter My plan, but it will rob you of today’s joy. I have called you to walk with me today, to give yourself to today, to trust Me today. I am not against you. I am able to do more than you can ask or imagine. Stop doubting and believe. I am in control, and I will show you what you should do at the right time. Turn your whole being to trusting and loving Me.”

This summer hasn’t gone the way I expected, but every sadness and every fear has been counteracted by the reminder of a God who delights in giving abundantly. “Open your mouth wide, and I will fill it with good things!” I hear Him crowing over me (Psalm 81:10).

I’ve seen some of those good things this summer, in amazing people, good memories, necessary growth, and personal triumphs. What other good things are waiting to assuage my fears for the future? I am excited to find out! 

“How precious is Your lovingkindness, O God! Therefore the children of men put their trust under the shadow of Your wings. They are abundantly satisfied with the fullness of Your house, and You give them drink from the river of Your pleasures.” Psalm 36:7, 8

Suburban Growing Goodness

"It's difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato."  ~ Lewis Grizzard

There really is nothing more satisfying than enjoying the fruit of your own labors, fresh and delicious and bursting with a flavor that supermarkets just can't conjure up. Most of the men in my family have been keen gardeners, and some of my favorite childhood memories involve wandering around my grandfathers' allotments, crunching on fresh peas, sneaking juicy strawberries, or picking fat purple plums.

Now that I'm in college, minus a garden or much free time, it's a little difficult to keep up with the gardening, although I'm determined to see what vegetables I can grow in pots on the balcony.

I've also found an excellent resource to inspire me to suburban growing goodness. I wholeheartedly recommend Siloe Oliveira's YouTube channel "Suburban Homestead" to anyone who has thought about turning their little patch of lawn into something more productive.

The videos are informative, entertaining, and make growing your own extremely do-able. As spring is just around the corner, I encourage you to watch and be inspired! 

After all...

"To nurture a garden is to feed not just the body, but the soul." ~ Alfred Austin

Episode one is below. Enjoy and subscribe!

Epic Moments

Do you ever wish that life had a soundtrack playing in the background? The soundtracks to Gladiator and Batman have gotten me through many late-night study sessions. Just today I woke up to Tchaikovsky's Piano Concerto No. 1 (guaranteed to instill instant belief that today will be beautiful and grand), cleaned the kitchen with the excitement of Vivaldi's Spring, and then proceeded to make scones with melancholy and foreboding thanks to part of Dvorak's New World Symphony. Music just makes everyday moments so much more epic.

I used to live waiting for epic moments. How could I possibly enjoy the day's hum-drum assignments when there would be a party at the weekend, or a wedding next month, or a vacation abroad soon? As a young teenager, the film Inn of the Sixth Happiness caught my imagination, and somehow I got round to believing that life would be incomplete unless I did something as similarly glorious and noteworthy as leading orphan children to safety in China. I felt that I wouldn't have really lived unless I had an epic moment of my own.

I now think differently. What if epic moments are disguised as part of the everyday? What if the moments that I'll look back on someday with most appreciation are snippets from this summer such as...

...an evening at Starbucks with my brother...

...watching Les Miserables with my mother (her first time)...

...curling up with a great book and a cup of tea, listening to a thunderstorm...

...catching up with old friends and meeting awesome new people...

...listening to my teenage students' sometimes-deep, sometimes-hilarious, always-creative explanations of modern art...

...feeling the love and appreciation of those same students...

...eating fresh raspberries and tomatoes from the garden...?

And what if the moments of greatest significance you bring to other people are also disguised as small things?

What if it's the small talk you make with a tired supermarket cashier?

What if it's the smile and the spare change you give to a homeless person?

What if it's the way you make your family feel loved?

What if it's the time you take to call or write to a friend?

Perhaps many of our epic moments come without fanfare and soundtracks. What moments will you experience today?

"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." - Robert Brault