A Painful Realization

“What am I doing here?” The thought played on repeat as I stood in the prayer circle that August morning, listening to the young people around me. I was very uncomfortable. I hadn't been so uncomfortable in a long time, and I had certainly not expected to feel that way at prayer meeting.

God was close, so close. I hadn’t felt His presence that strongly for quite a while, and somehow I felt I couldn’t stand before Him – I was like Isaiah, crying out when He saw God’s glory, “It’s all over! I am doomed, for I am a sinful man.” (Isa 6:5)

All at once I was painfully aware of my utter lukewarm-ness as a Christian, my unwillingness to truly surrender, my pride and selfishness, and the mixed motives I had gone to the prayer group with. When I arrived back at my dorm I got out my journal, and began to weep in spite of my best efforts not to as I recorded what God was saying to my heart.

I wanted to impress other people. In fact, I cared much more about what certain people thought of me than what God knew about my heart. I wanted everything that came out of my mouth during prayer to be deep, eloquent and inspiring – honestly, I was addressing my prayers more to the other young people in the circle than to God, and the realization shocked me. 

I was reluctant to surrender fully to God (and this wasn’t the first time He’d been speaking to me about that). I knew that it had to be all or nothing, and that if I was serious about growing in my relationship with God, I was going to have to address some things in my life I’d rather ignore.

Would I pursue God for God? Would I follow Him when there was no one else around to see and think what an awesome, spiritual person I was?

I was completely crushed by the realization of the true state of my heart. Yet even as the sense of God’s nearness brought me to my knees in shame at my ugliness, I felt something else in God’s presence – overwhelming love. It sounds so cliché, I know, but I can’t describe it any other way. Somehow I knew that God was worth pursuing, that I could trust Him with my heart, fully surrendered. And I made the choice to yield. 

The decision to surrender is one I have to wrestle with every day. I still struggle with my pride and desire to impress people, caring too much about their opinion of me.  Some days I don’t want to ask God to take my whole self and give me an undivided heart. Yet each day God is showing me more and more that He is worth it. I am praying with ever-increasing honesty that I will love Him as He loves me – consistently and consumedly – regardless of who else is around and what they think of me.

(And for any SAU students reading this, if you haven’t been to the 7 am prayer group at the flagpole – check it out!)

Doing More Hard Things

“I’m trying to scare you now so you can decide whether or not teaching is for you, before you waste any more time!” Our professor’s tone was half-joking, but his eyes were serious. “Well, it’s working,” I said to myself, reflecting on all the material we’d just covered in the lecture.


Teaching is a huge responsibility. It’s going to require a huge amount of effort and dedication not only to successfully graduate with my B.A. in English-Education (and probably go on to get a Masters in ESL at some point in the future), but to be a successful teacher. I don’t want to simply get by. Nor do I only want to inspire my students with a love for English. The classroom is a mission-field, whether I end up teaching in America or going somewhere in Asia/other foreign places (as has been my leaning for a while). I'm a little scared. I don’t feel up to the job. Yet the conviction that teaching is what I’m meant to do with my life doesn’t go away. 

“We want you to be more than a teacher; we want you to be a leader.” I’ve had quite a lot of experience in being a leader by now (how thankful I am for my time as a student missionary!). I’m not half as shy and retiring as I used to be (my roommate surprised me this week by stating I had a strong personality). Yet leadership and being “out there” still doesn’t come as naturally, and certainly not as comfortably, to me as it does to others. Being a leader is hard; being a follower is so much easier.


Maybe that’s the point. Maybe God wants me to do hard things this year. There are opportunities arising that I’ve wanted to say an emphatic No to, except that after praying about it I’ve been reluctantly convicted to say Yes. I can’t do it all on my own. I’m increasingly impressed with how much I need God's Spirit.

And so He whispers to me: “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” (2 Cor 12:9)

"Learning, talents, eloquence, every natural or acquired endowment, may be possessed; but without the presence of the Spirit of God, no heart will be touched, no sinner be won to Christ. On the other hand, if they are connected with Christ, if the gifts of the Spirit are theirs, the poorest and most ignorant of His disciples will have a power that will tell upon hearts. God makes them the channel for the outworking of the highest influence in the universe... As the will of man co-operates with the will of God, it becomes omnipotent. Whatever is to be done at His command may be accomplished in His strength. All His biddings are enablings." (From Christ’s Object Lessons by Ellen White)

Will you still love me?

“If you’re English, how come you don’t have a cool accent?”

“Are you British? Don’t ever lose your accent; I love it!”

“I thought you were Australian.”

“So, Lynny, how do you feel – British, American, or Asian?”

These are just some of the comments I’ve heard over the past few weeks at Southern. Whether I laughed or groaned over them, they kick-started a whole train of thought about my identity.

 It seems that every time I enter new circumstances – whenever everything that I’m comfortable and familiar with is taken away – I begin to think more deeply about who I am, and what exactly gives me self-worth.

Growing up, I was always a high-scoring student, quiet and polite and good, a major people-pleaser. This is how I've come to define myself. This is what gives me self-worth. 

The first couple of weeks here were tough not only because of all the new things to get used to, but because I was pushing myself to perform exceptionally. The intensity of the class was exhausting; I was afraid I wasn’t doing well enough. I thought that if I got anything less than top marks my worth was suddenly cut in half (in my own eyes, and, I was sure, everyone else’s). I was hired as an English reader, grading papers etc, based on my previous experience (I hadn’t done the ACT or College Comp 101 yet), and I was anxious in case I wasn’t working to the standard I thought my boss would expect of me – indeed, that I expected of myself. If I wasn’t performing well, I wasn’t anything.

Subconsciously I guess I wanted to know, “Will you still love me if I don’t always get A’s? Will you still love me if I sound American?! Am I valuable to you even if I don’t always attain perfection?”

I wasn’t actually doing as badly as I thought. I shared with my parents the results of my first tests, and how my job was going, and they congratulated me. (I told them what people had been saying about my accent too, and they laughed!) Then my mum told me, “Don’t worry if you don’t always get these sorts of results. Always aim high but don’t risk your health or sanity to expect those results in every subject.” Hearing that was so incredibly freeing!! It was the reassurance I needed that I would be valued and that I was someone even if I didn’t always score A’s or if I missed the occasional grammar mistake in an essay I was marking.

I'm still figuring out my identity, but I am learning that I'm more than what I do, more than what I score, more than my job description.

What is it that makes you who you are? What gives you self-worth? 

I can't stop thinking!

It's been an intense week. In the course I'm taking this summer, we cover in one day roughly what one week would cover in a normal semester. I have 50+ pages of reading a day, and am beginning to feel rather googly-eyed! This next Friday, we have our mid-term exam, and the Monday after that, I have an ACT exam. So as well as staying on top of all my reading, I have to find time to squeeze in math and science revision for my ACT, and balance a job too. (I'm incredibly thankful to have this job! Thanks for your prayers about it! I officially start tomorrow.) I'm tired just contemplating everything that's coming up!!

In spite of feeling like I've been thrown in the deep end, life is good. I'm already feeling much more at home, and meeting a bunch of fun, interesting people to hang out with when I'm not studying. I've been having several little adventures...which I would write about...except that I really need to get back to my books!

Uncharted Waters

As I looked out of the plane window, noticing the American landscape rolling out beneath me, I began to panic. "What the heck am I doing? I'm British - I should stay in England! Take me back right now!" I turned my gaze firmly to the TV screen in front of me and tried to put my mind elsewhere. The feelings of fear began to subside, replaced by growing excitement as the plane landed, and I started my journey through customs and baggage and into the arms of a waiting friend. "Things are going to turn out just fine," I thought as I hugged her.

The first couple of days on campus, as much as they were exciting, were also hard. I was incredibly thankful for my friend and her mum, who fed me, took me shopping, and generally looked after me as I began my adventure in uncharted American university waters!

I'd chosen to arrive on campus a whole week early, so I had time to sort out my head (which was spinning trying to figure out everything that needed to be done) and my affairs, and look for work. However, not many people had arrived yet, and I had no room mate, so I was a little lonely. The first Sabbath was hard - going to a huge church - not knowing anyone - missing my friends at Stanborough and not having a social to go to - and I choked back the tears a couple of times during the service, although I did meet some welcoming older people, including a lady from England who actually knows my family.

Things began to get better over the next couple of days. I found a prospective job (please pray that it works out!). A few more people arrived. I bumped into an old friend who I had no idea would be starting here. I met some new friends on my hall. A bunch of people who I consider almost family (from my team in South East Asia) arrived back in the area, and we had a reunion supper together, sharing memories and catching up on all the things that had happened in our lives over the past year. I spent an afternoon with a friend's sister (who I'd heard lots about but never met until now), and she introduced me to the joys of the dollar movie theatre (people in England - be jealous!!!), and also took me bowling!

There are going to be lots of changes to get used to. Dorm life is one of them! I've been used to living independently for a long time, so living in the dorm with its curfews and regulations is going to be...interesting...! My classes begin on Monday, so things are going to start getting very hectic then. Please don't forget to pray for me!

I think I'm going to enjoy it here. I know God has me here for a reason, so I'm trusting Him to provide the energy and brain power, the friends, and the finance I need to survive and thrive at Southern!

Leaving

My room is a complete mess. Clothing, electrical items, knick knacks and paperwork are all in a jumble, further disturbing my already spinning mind. What more do I need to pack? Have I forgotten anything important? I’m trying to fit everything into two suitcases, which might sound like a generous allowance…but then, this is me we’re talking about. Me, packing for four years away. I can’t believe this is happening already. I’m leaving.

The first couple of months in England, all I wanted to do was go back to America or South East Asia; I dreamed of going to university and marked the weeks on the calendar, telling myself I didn’t have long to go. But then things just got better and better, I stopped counting down the days, and began to feel at last that this was home. Even when things were tough with my job situation, and my Mum said wistfully, “I hope you don’t feel that this has been a wasted year,” I could honestly reply, “No, it hasn’t!” Not least because of a bunch of amazing people that I never would have met if I hadn’t come here!

Now the time to leave has finally arrived, but instead of bouncing with joy and raving to get out of here, as I once envisioned, my emotions are bitter sweet. I am super excited to be going to Southern. I can’t wait to see old friends and make new ones. I’m anticipating new experiences and adventures. But I’m nervous too:  Things are going to be so different. I’ve been out of formal education for a few years now, and I’m a little anxious that it might be a bumpy transition back in. The American culture is different, even if we do speak the same language (well, kind of. Numerous people have commented on the irony of me going to the US to study English.). I have to think seriously about my future and take adult responsibilities. After at last becoming contented here, change is suddenly looming on the horizon. All change, even when it’s something good, is uncomfortable at first, so I guess I’m nervous about that too.

And I’m going to miss everyone in England! I almost wish I could split myself in two (no, make that 5 or 6!) so that I could be with all the people I love around the world at once!

"All changes are more or less tinged with melancholy, for what we are leaving behind is part of ourselves." - Amelia Barr

"For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Well, let's see what God has around the corner for me. Judging by the pattern of my previous experience, it's going to be quite a ride! 

 

 

The Voice of Reason

I always thought Moses was a very sensible man. There’s a story in Exodus 3 where God appears to Moses in the wilderness and tells him to go to Pharaoh and lead the Israelites to freedom. Moses has a bunch of questions for God, and points about himself to make:

• What if the Israelites ask who sent me, what should I tell them?

• What if they won’t believe me?

• Who am I to go anyway - isn’t there someone better qualified you can send?

• I’m not good with words – never have been, never will be.

I thought that these questions/ points were full of common sense. In fact, a lot of them sounded like points I’d made when I felt God was asking me to do certain things...things I wasn’t super comfortable doing... things I didn’t really want to do.

Perhaps “logic” is sometimes a disguise for fear.  What if “being reasonable” is simply an excuse for not stepping out of your comfort zone? After all, even when God had thoroughly replied to each of Moses’ questions, and reassured him of His power and presence, Moses still said essentially: “Send anyone else but me!”

 Besides, “reasonable” is not always the way God works.

Think of God commanding Gideon to go fight a huge Midianite army with only 300 men (Judges 7). (And the 300 men won.) Think of when God promised to part the Jordon River for the Israelites to go through on dry ground (Joshua 3, 4), but the priests had to get their feet wet first. Think of the fishermen Jesus sent out on the lake during the day, when it was harder to fool the fish (Luke 5). (They went anyway, and were rewarded with a catch so phenomenal that their boats were on the verge of sinking, and the seasoned fishermen were awestruck.)

In my own family’s experience, God has asked us to do some things that seemed pretty insensible...at least to my thinking!

When my parents were first impressed to consider mission work and joining Adventist Frontier Missions (http://www.afmonline.org/), my mum had been in a wheelchair for the past two years, unable to stand for more than a few seconds and chronically tired. She had ME. Because of her condition, we hadn’t even been able to move an hour or two North to my dad’s new church district. Obviously, world travelling and mission work was out of the question, totally unreasonable, right? (And much like Moses, I had a whole list of questions, and reasons why this was not a very good idea for me personally.)

But my parents didn’t let human logic, the fact of my mother’s long illness, get in the way of what they felt God was clearly asking them to do. They persisted in the path that was being progressively marked out, and prayed that God would show them that this was the right thing by healing Mum. And she was healed! From that day to this there have been no more problems with her ME.

If you know that God is asking you to do something, to get out of your comfort zone, but “the voice of reason” is putting up a fight... listen to God's voice instead. If God is leading you, it doesn’t matter what it looks like from a human perspective, whether it’s “reasonable” or not. God knows what you’re capable of when you attach yourself to Him. Do it anyway, and watch how He opens up the way and does some amazing things because you said “Yes”!